METHOD
Discern Value for Someone Else
Purpose
Sometimes you won’t have the opportunity to find out what is value or valuable for another person directly. So you’ll need to take an empathetic perspective — that is to listen to what they say, see what they do, and ‘put yourself in their shoes’ to see the world from their perspective.
We know it rationally, but it’s easy to forget: Others do not see the world as we do nor do they want the same things we do.
It takes practice, to listen actively to what another person talks about, to observe what they do, and discern what are their desired value elements. ‘Discern’ is the deliberate verb of choice, because people rarely talk explicitly in terms of value.
In whatever circumstances you enact do method, you can become a better practitioner, taking yourself to higher levels of providing service. For when you can provide the value that another person seeks, then you are truly valuable to them!
Method steps
1. Adopt the empathetic perspective
- Acknowledge that others see the world differently.
- Suspend your own assumptions.
- Apply the modified Golden Rule: “Don’t do unto others as you would have them do unto you; their tastes are not the same.”
2. Observe and listen intentionally
- Pay attention to what the other person says often or with passion.
- Watch for repeated behaviours or stress points in interactions.
- Note what they prioritise or complain about.
3. Ask reflective questions
- Use prompts like:
- “What might they be trying to achieve or avoid?”
- “What would make this easier or better for them?”
- “If [their behaviour/request] is the answer, what is the question?” (This Reverse Q&A Technique assumes that what they did or asked for, is a proxy for what is truly valuable to them.)
4. Name possible value elements
- Based on your observations, try to name 1–3 value elements they may be seeking. Use the language of the value elements cards (e.g., TRUST, ORDER, GROWTH).
- Be careful not to assume a ‘what is good for them according to me’ position, and take the time to see what is truly valuable to them.
5. Check your understanding
- If possible and appropriate, test your insights with the person: “Would it help if I contributed X, so you got Y?”
- Don’t speak only in terms of a value element, expand the definition to what is meaningful in the context.
6. Take action
- Choose behaviours and actions that will deliver the value elements you’ve discerned.
- Pay attention as to whether this generates a positive or negative response. How well did you discern what was valuable?
- Adjust your understanding with the ‘data’ from their responses.
- Where possible, talk about the value being given and created to increase shared awareness of the value exchanges.
Tips for practice
Start small: Try discerning for a colleague, friend or even a customer in a low-stakes setting.
Build your fluency: Use the relevant value element cards to familiarise yourself with a value elements vocabulary.
Keep a journal: Capture what you tried, what you observed, and what worked.
Use key decision moments as context (e.g., performance reviews, project starts) to apply this method with greater relevance.
A story about discerning value
A group of experts joined a project team starting on a project that was already underway. They were responsible for a portion of the overall delivery of the project. They were working with a Project Manager that they didn’t know very well.
The Project Manager had been asking for a number of weeks for a Plan of what the team of experts were going to do. The new team was frustrated, as they didn’t have enough information to form a plan as they were still understanding the project and getting the lay of the land. The Project Manager was getting frustrated that his requests for a Plan seemed to be ignored.
I was mentoring the team of experts.
I asked them what they thought was of value to the Project Manager — to take an empathetic perspective. They struggled to think about it.
So I reframed the question: If PROJECT PLAN was the Answer, what was the Question (from the perspective of the Project Manager)? [This is the Reverse Q&A technique – very simple and very powerful.] They replied: How can I know what is the plan of action?
I asked the team: What might that be in terms of value for the Project Manager? They came up with various answers, and together we landed on these elements of value: ORDER, CONTROL, TRUST.
I asked the team: How can you deliver Order, Control and Trust without a Project Plan? They put their creative minds in gear and came up with a solution. They decided they could share verbally with the Project Manager about what their current thoughts were for initial action.
This conversation about value — and not getting caught up in the specifics of “The Plan” — cleared a blockage which reduced stress and made everyone happy because they could get what they wanted.
This derivative work by RHX Group — product owner of value(x) — is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.